Missing Scene
by Ranowa Hikura
Summary: A series of episode specific oneshots for Casey and Olivia. Friendship or preslash, whichever your preference. Oh, god, I keep forgetting the disclaimer! *sighs* I own nothing. All doink doink.
1. Chapter 1

A series of post-ep oneshots for Casey and Olivia. Friendship or preslash, whichever your preference is. And I won't be doing Intoxicated, because I don't write fics for episodes I've never seen and I've never seen a re-run of it. When it was originally aired... well, I thought blond Casey and Alex were the same person. Enough said.

Actually, not enough said. I have a question. I've heard about her infamous choice of lime green and purple as a color scheme, but I've actually never seen it before. Does anyone know what episode she wears that in? Because I am a limer so I have to see it!

First up, Blinded. Obvious spoilers for 'Blinded' and 'Influence'. Minor spoilers for 'Intoxicated' as well.

**Chapter 1**

**Past Guilt**

"Where did you get this?" Casey whispered haltingly, but of course, she already knew. Only one person had the means, motive, and opportunity to break her heart like this. _Look at that, _she thought, _I was just betrayed by my best friend and I'm still thinking like a lawyer._

At that, she couldn't back a soft, sad chuckle, and Jack got to his feet and snapped, "You think this is funny, Novak?"

She sobered up immediately and shook her head. "No sir," Casey said quietly, struggling not to cry right then and there. She couldn't believe this. The one person Casey had ever trusted with that secret about Charlie had just sold her out. _I knew I shouldn't have ever trusted her. Fuckin in love with her partner. No, this just proves what Charlie taught me- I'm an unlovable bitch who deserves everything she got. Why would anyone ever chose me over Elliot, anyway? Who could ever want to be with someone as worthless as me?_

But Jack is still talking. "-and don't think I won't have you disbarred, Novak, because I will!"

Casey had no idea what he was talking about, but she had to play the nice, compliant ADA to get to escape to her office. "Yes sir."

He nodded, but he was clearly still angry. "Now, get out of here before I change my mind and suspend you." Casey turned and started to leave, but when she got to the door he called out, "Oh, and Casey?" The ADA looked back at him, her face blank, and he said softly, "That's the only copy of the incident report left in existence. All that's left is the one in the police archives and the one in your hand. I will pretend I never read that so long as this doesn't happen again. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," she said again before hurrying out into the hallway with only one thought on her mind: to escape to her office before anybody else sees her start to cry.

The moment she was in the dark confines of her office, Casey shut and locked the door, fed the single sheet of paper into the shredder, then sat down at her desk and pulled the picture of her and Charlie out of the drawer.

She sighed as the memories rushed back to her, and she put her head down on her arms and tried to stifle the sobs.

_"Charlie," she pleaded weakly, trying to talk through the blood in her mouth. "Charlie, stop. Please."_

_He hit her again, and the blow was strong enough to dislodge her already failing grip and she collapsed. Casey could dimly hear him shouting, "I know you're cheating on me! I know you are!"_

_"I'm not," she tried again, but he silenced her with another kick to the head._

_"Don't lie to me!" he screamed before everything went black. _

_When she woke up, Casey could hear people in her apartment. At least, that's where she hoped she was. After a minute or so of struggling to open her eyes through her pounding head, she only had one concern: Charlie. But then someone kicked in the door to the bedroom, and in rushed two armed police officers. When they spotted her lying on the floor and covered in blood, one ran to her side while the other hurried to check the open window. "No," she managed to gasp, spitting out some of the blood in her mouth so she could talk clearer. "Stop."_

_"Ma'am, you need to lie still," the officer told her. "I've called an ambulance, but it could take a couple-"_

_"No!" she insisted again, sitting upright. "I'm fine! I don't need an ambulance."_

_The officer frowned uncertainly, then shook his head. "Ma'am, you're hurt pretty badly. You need to go to the hospital." When Casey started to protest again, he held up his hand and said, "Just let the EMTs take a look at you, at least." The ADA nodded reluctantly- she was fine, it was just a little fight, she wasn't hurt. But she supposed she didn't have a choice. "Ma'am, your neighbors- the ones who called us- said they recognized your voice as well as your fiancé's, Charlie Parker, and that you were fighting. Do you know where he is? We have to take him into custody."_

_That woke Casey up with a vengeance. "No!" she shouted. "No, don't, please! It... It wasn't his fault, he's sick! I said something stupid, that's all, I should of known better- it wasn't his fault! You can't take him!"_

_The officer looked down at her sympathetically, and Casey hated the pity in his gaze. "Miss, if he loved you, he wouldn't have hurt you."_

_Casey jumped to her feet and grabbed her ADA badge, showing it to him. "Look, I know the law- you couldn't get a conviction if you tried, and I won't let you arrest him! You don't have a complaining witness! I'm an ADA, I know that unless I agree to testify you wouldn't have a case, and any half-assed defense attorney would make an insanity plea in a minute! Please, it's just better for everyone if you leave us alone."_

_"It won't be better for you if he attacks you again."_

_That was too much for Casey. She jumped to her feet and shouted, "Get the hell out of my apartment! If you touch Charlie I will make sure you lose your jobs and I will personally make your lives hell! Leave us the hell alone!"_

She shook her head, desperately wiping the tears from her eyes. The next day, Charlie had shown up and apologized, promising for the hundredth time that he would take his medication and saying over and over again that he loved her. And Casey had fallen for him, hard, all over again. The only thing that had gotten her out of the relationship was the week-long business trip just several days after he had attacked her. Charlie had hugged and kissed her goodbye, and even though she loved him, Casey had been terrified standing that close to him, breaking the bad news of the trip to him... and feeling his rough hands on her delicate body had nearly sent her into a panic attack. And then, that week apart... she had spent alot of time thinking on that trip.

Realizing that, even though she loved Charlie, if she stayed with him... she was going to die.

She went to see him, that one last time, to gather her stuff and leave. When she told him what she was going to do, he went into a wild rage, flying around the apartment like a tornado and almost killing Casey in the process. But, somehow, she had escaped with her life. The next day, she moved to an unlisted address and got a new office and tried to forget about Charlie.

But you can't forget about someone you loved- or still love, to this very day, even though he beat the hell out of her and had been dead for six months. She still loved him and blamed herself for his death, blamed herself for not staying with him and taking care of him, making sure he took his medication. For some reason that amazing man had loved her back, even though she clearly hadn't deserved it, until the sick, cruel shell of a man took his place. When she left him, it proved to her that she was unlovable and that everything she touched turned to mud.

Someone knocked loudly on her office door, bringing her back to reality. She sniffed, trying to regain her composure before calling in a slightly cracked voice, "Come in."

Olivia stepped inside and stood smugly in the doorway, a small smirk on her face, which grew even more pronounced when she saw that Casey had been crying. "Well?" she asked, an expectant look on her face. "Now that you know who's boss, got something to say?"

Oh no. Oh hell no. The only good thing that had come out of her break-up with Charlie was the fact that Casey would never let someone 'be the boss of her'. Sure, with Jack McCoy, it was in a professional light, but not with Olivia Benson. If Casey had let Charlie get what he wanted, she would be dead. She would never let someone take control of her life again. "Excuse me?" she snapped, gripping the photo of her and Charlie under the desk and trying to keep her voice steady.

"I showed you that I really don't care who you work for, you don't hurt my partner and expect to go unpunished. Now I think someone needs to mature past the age of five and say she's sorry."

"Yeah, and I'm looking right at her." Despite her cool demeanor, Casey was about five seconds away from strangling Olivia. She was sick of people continuously pointing out to her what an unlovable bitch she was, and the detective had better wise up and leave before Casey let her self-control slip and hit her.

Olivia looked surprised, but only for a moment. "Well, it seems you need another lesson in who not to mess with. I told you, you hurt Elliot, and I'm not going to let you do what you did just because of some stupid thing from the past and get away with-"

"_Stupid thing from the past_?" she screamed, shoving Olivia back up against the wall. "_How dare you?_! I loved him! It's my fault he's dead and I wasn't going to let someone else die when I could have prevented it! And what do you think you're doing, telling _me_ to apologize? What about what you did, huh?" Casey knew she should stop, before she said something that she regretted, but she was in full-on rant mode, interested only in telling Olivia exactly what she had done to her. "And I did not hurt Elliot! He was mad I used him, but he acted like a fuckin adult and talked to me about it instead of running to my boss like a tattletale and telling him the worst secret from my past! You only want revenge, and to do it you just about broke my heart by betraying my trust the way you did! Do you have any idea how much that hurts, Olivia? Since you seem incapable of understanding anyone else's feelings, I'll give you an example- Carrie fuckin Eldrige! You told me secrets about your past, but did I go running to Cragen and running my mouth to try and get you in trouble! _No_! I kept your damn secret! If you think I'm ever going to trust you again you're fuckin wrong, because now I know anything I say can and will be used against me by Olivia Benson, vigilante bitch you will break her friend's hearts to get what she wants! All I wanted was someone who wouldn't betray me, was that too much to ask? But apparently it was, because you just proved something to me again- I deserve everything I get because I let Charlie die and didn't stay with him when he was sick, and no one's ever going to love me because I'm just a selfish bitch- well, I get it already! Enough! Can't you just stop shouting the truth at me and leave me alone?"

Casey wanted to go on, she really did, but it was just too much. She doubled over in tears and whirled away from Olivia so the detective wouldn't see her looking so weak, trying hard not to make a sound and hoping Olivia would get the message and leave.

Olivia was still trying to process what Casey had just said. She realized, with horror, that she had never given a thought to how the ADA would react to her betrayal- in fact, Olivia hadn't even thought of it as a betrayal. She had just thought that Casey deserved to be punished for what she had done to Elliot and that this would hurt her more then anything else.

When she realized that her aim had been to actually hurt Casey, she was disgusted with herself. Olivia couldn't believe she had been so heartless. Yes, Elliot was her best friend, but... so was Casey. And the ADA was right- this was no different from the situation with Carrie Eldridge. Except she hadn't kept Casey's secret.

Olivia turned back to Casey and felt her heart ache when she saw she was crying- even though she was trying to hide it. The detective walked slowly forward and put her hands on her shaking shoulders, turning her gently around then pulling her close in a crushing hug. "I'm so sorry, Casey," she whispered into Casey's hair, rubbing her back gently and trying to soothe her sobs. "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, Casey, I never meant to, I'm so sorry..."

She held Casey for almost ten minutes until the ADA pulled away, wiping her eyes hurriedly and giving her a small, weak smile. "Thanks," she mumbled after a moment, then added on as an afterthought, "I'm sorry for- for what I said. I shouldn't have-"

"No, Casey," she interrupted, placing her hands on Casey's shoulders again so she couldn't back away. "Don't say you're sorry. You don't have anything to apologize for. _I'm_ sorry. I never should have gone behind your back like that. Casey... what you said- you're wrong, you know. You don't deserve any of this, you didn't let Charlie die, you're not unlovable and you're not a selfish bitch. Casey, I love you- you're like my little sister. My smartass, brilliant, prosecutor little sister, but still, my sister. I love you and I know that you don't deserve what Charlie and... I did. When you left Charlie, you made the hardest choice a woman ever has to make- letting the love of you life go so you can live, or staying with him so you can die. You made the right choice, Casey."

"I don't know," she mumbled, staring at her feet. "Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed with him... if I hadn't walked out on him, if I had gone through with our marriage-"

"Casey, I do know what would happened," Olivia said sharply as she shook her head. "Abusive relationships only escalate. Now, you can Charlie wasn't abusive, but when he was sick, he was. From what you told me, it was a textbook case of abuse. If you had stayed, he eventually would have beaten you so hard you wouldn't have made it out alive. You had to save yourself."

"What about Charlie?" she asked miserably. "Who had to save him?"

Olivia sighed, putting an arm around Casey's shoulders and shaking her head. "You tried your best, Casey." There was nothing else she could say. She knew it wasn't Casey's fault, but that wouldn't change the fact that Casey loved Charlie and blamed herself for his death. She could only hope that, one day, Casey could realize it was not her fault.

They remained like that for a long time, then Casey walked away from Olivia and started gathering her stuff together. The detective waited silently until she was finished then walked with her to the door. Casey hesitated, then looked up at her, hand on the knob, and said, "Olivia, I forgive you. And... thank you for staying. And listening. It- well, it means alot to me."

The words were awkward and uncertain, but sincere. Olivia sighed in relief, finally voicing the nervous question that had been on her mind for the past half hour. "So we're still friends?"

Casey smiled slightly and nodded. Yes, Olivia had hurt her, probably more then the detective would ever know, but that didn't mean Casey couldn't forgive her. "You're like my sister too, Liv. I couldn't hate my sister."

Olivia gave a weak chuckle and wrapped a hesitant arm around Casey's shoulders, smiling even wider when the ADA returned the gesture.

Meh, I don't really like this, but whatever. Next up is 'Raw'. Also, I wrote a romantic version (CO, of course) of the above fic- drop a review if you want to read it and tell me and I'll post it here.


	2. Chapter 2

Romantic version. And yeah, I agree- way too much AO, not enough CO. I mean, Alex is great and all, but I just like Casey more. She and Olivia just make a better couple. And may I just say that, in the actual episode, Casey should have been mad at Olivia? She just walked in there calmly and asked, "Why'd you rat me out to the DA?" I was like, NO! Be mad at her! Stand up for yourself! Whatever. Here you go.

**Here and now**

"Where did you get this?" Casey whispered as she started at the single sheet of paper, and then at Jack.

But of course, she already knew the answer to her question.

Many people knew about her relationship with Charlie. Her friends and colleagues at the time, Charlie's family, her own meager assortment of relatives who'd shown up at the hospital, god knows why- hell, even the police who responded to the disturbance call.

But only one of them would have done this. Only one of them had the means, motive, and opportunity to bring this ancient history back into the light. _Look at that, _she thought with a chuckle, _I was just betrayed by my best friend/lover and I still think like a lawyer._

Jack's still talking, though. "-and if you ever pull a stunt like this again, I'll have you disbarred, and don't think I don't have the contacts to pull that off, because I do! Do I make myself clear?" Casey nodded absentmindedly as she turned to leave, no longer concentrating on his threat but on turning her sadness at the betrayal into anger. Someone was going to pay for this.

SVUSVUSVU

Casey stalked into the squad room, smiling when she saw it deserted except for one, who still hadn't noticed her presence yet. She walked forward as quietly as she could until she was standing right behind the detective, then snapped, "Turn around."

Olivia jumped and shot upright, taking an automatic step back. "Casey! What are you-"

The ADA interrupted her with a quick slap to the face. "You know what I'm doing here." Olivia stared at her, shocked and angry, and was about to start talking when Casey continued, slowly backing her up against a wall. "Now, what you did would have been really funny if it had been some secret, embarrassing crush. Unfortunately for you, it wasn't. And since you seem incapable of understanding anybody else because you are so self-centered, let me give it to you this way: When you asked me to plead out Carrie Eldridge, what did I do? Did I go running to your boss and start spilling secrets about your past? No, I pled her out, even though it got me suspended. What I did in court today was exactly the same thing you did- sure, he was physically guilty of the crimes, but mentally, he couldn't be held responsible! Only difference is, this time around, my choice didn't hurt anybody!"

"It hurt Elliot!"

"Oh, give me a break, Benson, it didn't hurt him. You were just being overprotective of him, like you are with all your friends. Which I'm not, apparently."

Olivia stared at her in shock. "Casey, what are you talking about, of course you're my friend-"

"Yeah, right! You had _sex_ with me and still chose Elliot over me! I kept what you told me a secret, why couldn't you do the same for me? If I was just some cheap hooker to you, someone you used whenever you wanted to have sex, you should have told me! I'm Catholic, we don't have sex with somebody just for enjoyment, we do it because we love them, but if you don't love me, then-"

"Casey!" Olivia shouted, grabbing her by the shoulders and turning her around, pinning her back against the wall. "I do love you! But what you did was wrong, and I wasn't going to-"

"Stop feeding me these ridiculous lines, okay? It had nothing to do with justice, you just wanted revenge for what Picard did to Elliot!" Olivia opened her mouth to say something, but Casey stopped her with, "No, you listen to me, Olivia Benson. Charlie's dead. I got a call from the morgue last week to come identify his body, and now the DA throw's this is my face when I can't deal with it all because you-" she jabbed her finger in Olivia's face, "decided to tell him the worst thing I ever did. I'm going home, to my apartment. If you haven't shown up by midnight to apologize, we're through. And by apologize, I don't mean makeup sex, I mean you actually talk to me. If you can't handle that, then don't you dare ever contact me outside of work or show up at my apartment again. And if you _ever_ do something like this again, I don't care what the hell you do or say, there's a better chance of hell freezing over then us ever working together as a couple again." Casey turned and stormed out, glad she finally could, because she didn't want Olivia to see her cry.

SVUSVUSVU

There was a hesitant knock on her door at 11:50. "Casey?" a soft voice called. "It's Olivia. Can I come in?" Pulling her jacket tighter around herself, Casey got up and wiped the tears off her cheeks, tucking the picture of her and Charlie into her pocket, then opened the door.

"What do you want?" she asked as coldly as she could.

"I came to apologize... Casey, I am so sorry." The ADA paused uncertainly, then turned around and walked back inside, leaving her door open. She heard Olivia follow quietly behind. "You're right, I was trying to get revenge for Elliot... I didn't know he was dead, Casey. I mean, I knew something was wrong but never suspected it had to do with him. I mean, that doesn't excuse what I did, but still, I... I'm sorry. If I could take it back, I would, and I know you might not trust me anymore and you have every right to hate me. But, Casey..." Olivia didn't want to push her luck, but she had to get two things across to Casey, no matter what. Eventually, she continued, "You said I revealed the worst thing you had ever done. That's not true. Yes, what I did was terrible and I know it hurt you, and I'm sorry, but leaving Charlie was not the worst thing you have ever done. Far from it, Casey. You had to save yourself. If you had stayed, you would have been the one who wound up dead, just another one of the those faceless drifters in the morgue killed by an abusive husband."

"Don't talk about him like that!"

"Why not? It's true!"

"It wasn't his fault!" Casey shouted, glaring at her in shock.

Olivia shook her head as she approached her. "I'm not saying it was. But you tried to make him get help, and he wouldn't. You had every right to protect yourself; it was _your_ life being threatened, your body- he put you in the hospital and you did nothing to deserve it. You were scared for your life, Casey, that is not a bad reason to-"

"I loved him! I still do! He didn't know what he was doing!"

Olivia had to get through to Casey, because, frankly, she was sick of it. Sick of her blaming herself when it wasn't her fault in the slightest, sick of her making excuses for the bastard that broke her body and her heart. Not that she minded being there for her- she was sick of Charlie still hurting Casey this much. She could never be sick of Casey. But this had to stop if Casey ever wanted to get on with her life. "Listen to me," she ordered, gently pushing her back against the wall. Casey's pupils dilated in what Olivia recognized as extreme fear, but she decided to push on. "Just because he was schizophrenic does not excuse what he did to you. I love you very much, Casey, but I'm going to make you tell me what he did to you, and then you tell me who's fault it really was."

Casey just stared at her, trembling slightly, then whispered, "Yes ma'am. Whatever you want, ma'am."

Olivia took a step back, not sure what to make of it. Neither one of them was into the 'master, slave' thing, and even if they had been, Casey wasn't the type to worm her way out of something through sex. "Casey, what are you doing?"

"Nothing, ma'am. I'm sorry for disappointing you. I'll do whatever you want, just, please, don't hurt me..."

It took Olivia a second to understand what was going on. When she did, she immediately let go of Casey and took another step back and held up her hands to show her she was unarmed. "Casey, listen to me. It's just me, Olivia. I'm not going to hurt you. I'm sorry I grabbed you, but I didn't mean to scare you. It's just me, Casey. Just Olivia. You're okay... look at me, Casey." She started off strong, but ended pleading.

The ADA slowly looked up to meet Olivia's compassionate eyes, trying to suppress the small tremors that were still making her shake in fear. She knew Olivia was pained by the fact that she had scared her, especially since the detective was paranoid about her genes already... but the moment Olivia grabbed her, the crack of command in her voice, the disappointment and what she apparently had mistook as anger in her eyes... it was just like that night with Charlie.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, once she was convinced Olivia wouldn't hit her. "I-"

"Don't be sorry, Casey. It's okay, really. I should have realized..."

Casey sighed, walking over to the couch and curling up into a tight ball, lying her head on her knees. "It's fine, Liv." _Just one more person I've alienated. _"I know you didn't mean to." Olivia sat next to her, but didn't reach out to her- it was like she was afraid that she would scare her again. Casey raised her eyes to meet Olivia's as she whispered, "I'm tired of always living like this. Of hating myself whenever someone mentions Charlie."

"So stop."

"It's not that easy," she sighed.

Olivia hesitated before slowly, gingerly, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Casey, you're a different person now. Even though nothing that happened back then is your fault, I fell in love _this_ Casey. Not the one that Charlie abused. You can't change the past, Casey. All that matters is here and now. And all I know for certain is that, here and now, I love you and know what happened wasn't your fault. You didn't kill Charlie... that man wasn't even Charlie anymore. Just a sick man without a sane thought left in his head." Casey shifted over she her head was on Olivia's shoulder, and the detective started stroking her hair lovingly.

The ADA closed her eyes, but it was clear she was not asleep. After a while, she said, "Thanks, Olivia. I.. love you, too." She laid down, resting her head on Olivia's stomach, allowing the detective to comfort her. The warmth radiating off her body was nice. Very nice. It lulled her to sleep, even though it was still early.

Soon they were both asleep, with Casey still lying on top of Olivia and the detective's hand tangled in her hair.

I actually wrote this one before I wrote Past Guilt, but posted that one because it was part of a friendship series. Ah well. And I've already finished 'Raw', I'll be posting it right now.


	3. Chapter 3

Now for 'Raw'. Obvious spoilers for 'Raw'. Also some for 'Loss'. (God I want to see… well, both of those eppys, but they never seem to air those particular reruns. *gasps when I try to type a sad face because Word turns it into a smiley! I had no idea Word did that!*)

**All in a moment**

Fin glanced at her, looking her over for a moment before saying softly, "You should go, Olivia."

Olivia looked back at him and raised an eyebrow. "Go? Go where? An empty apartment? An empty squad room? I don't have any work to do. You, Munch, Cragen, and Elliot are all here."

He nodded, then sighed and shook his head. Elliot and Munch were both in recovery, so they weren't allowed to see them, but the doctor had said they would both be perfectly fine. Neither one could hold back the feeling that they were lying, that everything wasn't okay... but they both knew it was only because of what happened to Alex. How the doctors had saved her, then taken her away, just like that. How they had lied to them, then what Alex had asked of Elliot and Olivia- to go to her funeral and pretend that she was dead. To cry because she had died, not because they had taken her away and they would never see her again.

Fin and Olivia did not want that to happen again. They couldn't suppress the suspicion that it would. Fin knew this and also knew Olivia wouldn't rest easily until she had seen Elliot. But something else had to be attended to first... well, more like some_one_. "Olivia," he said gently, leaning forward to look at her.

He was about to continue when the doctor stepped around the corner and, in spotting them, hurried over to their sides and said, "I am pleased to inform you that both Detective Stabler and Detective Munch are fine and have been transferred out of recovery. They will both have to remain here overnight, but, if everything looks well tomorrow morning, they can be discharged. You can see them now- Detective Stabler is in Room 109 and Detective Munch is in Room 110. Since they aren't in intensive care, you can stay with them as long as wish."

They both nodded gratefully and went off to see their respective partners. Fin, however, did not go into Munch's room just yet. He stood in the doorway of Elliot's while Olivia continued on inside.

She sighed, relieved to see that he was alive and awake. "Hey, El," she said softly, approaching the bed.

Elliot looked at her in surprise, then gave her a small smile and sat upright. "Liv! What are you doing here?"

"Well, I kind of heard through the grapevine that you got shot. Wanted to at least make sure you were alive," she teased, rolling her eyes. "And look, you are! How are you feeling?"

"Why is that all anybody ever asks anybody in the hospital?" he grumbled before saying louder, "Fine. I think it's kind of obvious my arm hurts, but other then that, good. What's up with you?"

Olivia groaned. "I'm avoiding the squad room," she confessed. "Because it was a cop shooting, IAB is sure to be hanging around there- and the courthouse. Case'll be lucky if they don't corner her."

Elliot laughed quietly, shaking his head. "Ah, the rat squad. Someone needs to shoot every last of them. All they do is make life more complicated."

"I'm allowing you to mope because you're shot, but once you're back at work, if you try that I'll smack you on the back of the head."

Once Fin was sure Olivia's nerves were put at ease, he called softly, "Liv? I need to talk to you."

Olivia looked back at him, frowning uncertainly, but walked over to him and said, "El, I'll be back in just a sec." Once they were outside and she was sure Elliot couldn't hear them, she gestured for Fin to continue.

"Olivia, I'm not saying that it's my place to tell you this, but you really need to be somewhere else."

She looked at him like he was insane. "What exactly do you mean, somewhere else? I'd rather be with Elliot then sitting home alone."

"That's not what I meant... Olivia, someone else needs you alot more then Elliot does right now." When Olivia still failed to understand, he sighed and said out right, "It's Casey. I talked to the cop who took her statement- he said she was the most cold, unfeeling victim he had ever talked to you- that she wasn't reacting at all. Now, knowing Casey, what does that sound like to you?"

Olivia froze, horrified. She hadn't spared Casey a second though after she heard that the ADA was alive- she had been too worried about her partner. But now... "Yeah," she sighed heavily. "I know." From what Fin was describing, Casey was doing what she always did in situations like this- she was shutting down, ignoring all the feelings she wasn't used to having and blocking out the traumatic events of earlier in the day. "I... I have to go see her. I'll make sure she's okay. Just let me tell Elliot where I'm going and then I'll go check on her." Fin nodded his thanks, then went to go see Munch. Olivia stayed outside a moment longer, shaking her head. She knew the only reason Fin had been thinking about Casey was because he had somewhat of a soft spot for the ADA. The fiery redhead was starting to grow on him.

She sighed, then walked back into Elliot's room and said, "El, I have to go- it's Casey."

He hesitated, seeming concerned. "What's wrong? I heard that she was okay."

"Physically, yeah. Emotional front? Probably not so much. I'm going to go track her down. I'll drop by your apartment tomorrow."

Elliot nodded, waving her away. "Sure... Liv? Take care of her." Olivia looked at him for a second, then left.

SVUSVUSVU

Casey really wasn't sure what she was feeling right now. She knew that she should be hysterical and scared out of her mind. But she was only hypersensitive, focusing in on every tiny sound, and the white noise like the hum of the refrigerator and the cat scampering around in the apartment above her's stood out to her and made her want to rip her hear out from the roots. And she wasn't sure why.

Someone knocked on her door, and she jumped, immediately reaching for the baseball bat that was lying next to her, gripping it in fear as she called out, her voice wavering, "Who is it?"

"It's Olivia. Can I come in?" Casey breathed a sigh of relief before heading over to unlock her door, leaving the bat behind.

Olivia winced when she finally saw Casey- the ADA was a mess. She was paler than usual, blood from Kyle staining her suit and making her hair stiff, her power suit all wrinkly. When Casey stepped back to let Olivia in, the detective immediately noticed that her left wrist was wrapped in bandages. She focused in on that, walking quickly forward and gingerly examining it. "What happened to your wrist, Casey?"

The ADA frowned in confusion for a moment, then shrugged. "Just a sprain."

Olivia waited uncertainly for an explanation. When there was none forthcoming, she asked softly, "How exactly did that happen?"

"When Kyle threw me down. I hit the floor wrong." Casey sighed heavily and sat down on the catch, hiding her sprained wrist in her jacket before looking back up at Olivia and asking, "Look, Liv, not be rude or anything, but why are you here?"

Olivia sat down tentatively next to Casey, trying to hold her gaze. "Well, first of all, I thought you would like to know that El and Munch are both going to be fine. Elliot was shot in the arm and Munch in the ass- think Munch's ego probably took a hit though. We've all just been waiting for someone to shoot him in the ass."

Casey chuckled, shaking her head. "Yeah, I know. Sorry you had to come down here and tell me... after I gave my statement, no one seemed to have any idea what hospital they were at, and you all weren't answering your phones..."

"Oh, sorry," Olivia said quickly, admonishing herself. "I left my cell at work and I don't know about Fin and Cragen. And that's not the only reason I'm here." Casey looked up at her questioningly, so Olivia put a gentle hand on her arm and asked, "Are _you_ okay, Casey?"

"Me? I'm fine," she said softly after a moment, averting her gaze. "I wasn't shot."

"I'm not buying the act, Casey. Being held with a gun to your head isn't exactly a calming experience. What you're feeling is perfectly normal. It's not-"

"Yeah?" Casey demanded as she got up and started pacing around the room. "Well, that'd be comforting if I was feeling _something_! But I'm not! I'm just some emotionless freak because I'm just sitting here in the dark wondering why the hell I'm not reacting more than this!"

Olivia sat in silence for a moment, stunned at her outburst, then got up and walked across the room so she was standing in front of the ADA. "Casey, you're in shock. That's what your _supposed_ to be like."

"Yeah, but I should know better then this! I mean, compared to what I work with everyday, this is nothing! And I know people usually go into shock, but I shouldn't of! I've been-"

"Casey, you can't expect to be able to deal with this quicker then everybody else because of your job! Hell, I've even been held at gunpoint before and it never ceases to freak me out each time it happens again!"

"But I shouldn't be reacting like this! _Nothing _happened!"

Olivia grabbed Casey by the shoulders and forced the ADA to stay where she was. "Casey, you almost died. I think that qualifies as 'something'." Casey's lower lip trembled, and she bit down on it, hard. "Stop fighting it. It's natural," she commanded. "Case, I'm not going to let you do this to yourself."

Casey held out for a moment longer, then crashed into Olivia's arms as she buried her head in her shoulder and sobbed, "He just grabbed me! I had no idea what was happening, everything was fine, then the witness and the judge and the bailiff were all shot and then he grabbed me and pointed the gun at my head! El and Munch told him to let me go but they were pointing their guns at me too and then everybody was shooting and somehow I was on the ground. One second everything's fine, but in only takes one moment for everything to go wrong!" Casey trailed off as she tried to keep talking, but couldn't; she was crying too hard.

Olivia led her over to the couch and sat her down, rubbing her back gently. "Shh," she murmured in her ear as she stroked Casey's hair. "It's okay. It's over. You're safe now."

Casey continued to gasp for breath as she struggled to stop crying. A few minutes later, she was able to at least talk. "Make me forget," Casey pleaded as her tears ran dry, reducing her to deep, shuddering breaths. "Make me forget what it is to fear death."

Olivia continued to rub her back softly and kept silent. The ADA had been holding it in for the entire day, but a person could only take so much before they break. Casey already had her control over her emotions again, but she was nowhere near normal yet.

She sat with Casey, holding for a few minutes, it was impossible to tell how long, until she felt Casey's head coming to rest on her shoulder. Surprised, Olivia looked down to find that the ADA had fallen asleep. She smiled slightly, kissing her forehead before slipping her arm underneath Casey's leg and standing up, carrying Casey back to her bedroom. She tucked the ADA in and was just about to leave when Casey put a weak grip on her arm and mumbled sleepily, "Stay..."

Olivia stared at her, shocked. She knew Casey never would have asked her to stay if she was more than half-conscious.

Well, what harm could it do? She slid into bed beside the ADA, watching Casey until she fell asleep herself.

Yikes. That was definitely the hardest one to write. Anyways, I chose this one was because the show failed with Casey on that one- after the courtroom shootout, it was just like 'El and Munch get all the love… what's that? Casey? Who's that? Oh, her? Ah well, having a gun held to your head, seeing two colleagues shot and a couple others die, then thrown roughly to the floor isn't traumatic at all!' *sigh*. So I wrote this for Casey love.

Oh, yeah. Next up is 'Night'. Review please


	4. Chapter 4

Yay reviews! I love you guys.

'Night' takeoff. I love all things 'Night' related, mainly because that was another one of the episodes they Dick Wolf could have done so much more with but didn't. Don't get me wrong, it was a fantastic episode, but it was never mentioned again. No one treated her any differently- hell, her face was even better and there was no cane by the next episode and 'Day'! With Olivia's attack in 'Undercover' or 'Perverted' or whatever the hell it was, it was brought up later and became a sub-plot in at least one episode. *sighs again* whatever. Obvious spoilers for 'Night'. Also for 'Loss' and 'Ghost', but you must have been living under a rock for the past few years if you don't know what happens in those two episodes.

**Love not Guilt**

Olivia looked over at Casey, who was fast asleep in the passenger seat of the squad car. She took in the dark bruises, the black eye, the split lip. She took in the pained rise and fall of her chest, the defensive wounds on her knuckles, the dried blood on a strand of her hair that Casey had been picking incessantly at for two days.

With a sigh, she reached over and shook her shoulder gently. "Casey. We're here."

The ADA didn't respond for a moment, then she jerked, opening her eyes and blinking several times to clear her head. Casey sighed heavily, then opened the door and got unsteadily out of the car. Olivia rushed around to help her, but Casey was already upright and she just shook her head. "I'm fine, Liv."

Olivia hesitated, but Casey was already limping towards her apartment building. Olivia walked slowly behind her, knowing she wasn't used to the cane yet and ready to catch her if she fell, but the ADA made it inside without too much trouble.

When they were alone in the elevator, Casey looked at her and said, "Olivia, you don't have to do this. I'll be fine by myself."

Sighing, Olivia returned her stare and shook her head. "Casey, we've been through this. I'm going to be staying with you until you've completely recovered, end of story. You can either accept it or fight it all the way, whichever you want to do is fine with me."

Casey rolled her eyes and looked away. "You're a pain in the ass," she muttered under her breath before leading the way to her apartment. She tried to unlock the door, but it looked like she was having trouble getting her hands to work. Eventually, the keys fell to the floor, and Olivia stopped Casey in her attempt to pick them up. "I got it," she said quickly, unlocking the door for her.

Embarrassed, Casey took the keys back and stared at the floor as she limped into her apartment, tossing her keys and a few pill bottles onto the couch making her way to the kitchen. Olivia followed curiously, then shook her head when she saw Casey was getting out a bottle of wine. "Case, you know the doctor said not to drink with your pain medication."

"Yeah, well, too bad," she muttered and was about to open the bottle when Olivia took it from her hands.

"If you think I'm going to let you drink, you're wrong."

Casey glared at her, reaching for the bottle when Olivia jumped up and put it on shelf near the ceiling. She knew Casey wouldn't be able to jump and reach it in her condition. They stared at each other for a moment, then Casey shook her head angrily and turned around, looking at the wall rather than Olivia. "Why are you even here, Olivia?"

The detective watched her silently, then said, "Casey, there's no place I'd rather be then here right now. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't even be like this. This is the least I can do..."

"Olivia," Casey said sharply, still without turning out, "If this is just to fulfill some bullshit sense of guilt you feel, you'd best leave now. I'd rather be alone tonight anyway. Would you mind just showing yourself out?"

Olivia hesitated, unsure if she wanted to dive right into this, then shook her head and sated simply, "No."

Casey froze, then turned around, shocked. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. No."

The ADA stared at her for a second, and when she finally remembered how to talk she said, "It wasn't exactly a request. This is my apartment. If I don't want you here then you're trespassing. Get out."

Once again, Olivia's only response was, "No."

"Look, Olivia, I don't know why you're doing this and I don't care. To me, there are only two options for why you're staying here: you feel guilty about leaving me alone to face Zergin, or you never got the chance to take care of Alex when she was hurt, so now you're settling for her replacement- so, in some twisted sense, the whole time you're with me you'll really be with Alex. Either way, I don't care. I don't need someone to take care of me, especially someone who'll be gone the moment she's made herself feel better. So just get out."

Olivia stood and stared at her in shock for a moment, then slowly shook her head. "There's also a third option- I care about _you_, Casey, and I want to make sure you're okay."

The ADA scoffed and limped back to the living room. "Right."

"Casey, I'm not going to lie to you- I do feel guilty about leaving that night, and I'm sorry that I didn't stay to kill that asshole before he touched you, but Casey... this has nothing to do with Alex. _Nothing._ Yes, I wish I had had the chance to do this for Alex, but I didn't. But I'm not doing this for myself or Alex. I'm doing this for _you_."

"Even if that's true, Liv, I still not going to be very good company. I want to be alone right now."

"You want to be alone, I know, but Casey... that's probably not a good idea. You don't have to go through this alone." Casey didn't say anything for a long second, then nodded sadly.

"Thanks, Liv," she whispered so quietly Olivia could barely hear her.

Olivia smiled back. "It's nothing, sweetheart." She put a hand on the small of the ADA's back and led her back to the bedroom. "Now, come on. Let's get you lying down. The doctor told you to stay in bed or your ribs won't heal."

Casey sighed in distaste, but allowed Olivia to help her lie down on her queen-size bed. The ADA sat up so she was leaning back against the pillows, then glanced over at her bedside clock and groaned. "What's wrong?" Olivia asked, never failing to notice when her ADA was upset.

"It's only 9. Way too early to go to bed."

"Yeah," Olivia agreed, sitting on the bed next to her and pulling her knees up to her chest. She observed Casey for a moment, and the sad, hollow look in her eyes breaking Olivia's heart, and when the detective couldn't take it anymore she asked softly, "You want to talk about it?"

"What's to talk about?" she asked quietly, still not looking at her. "I still can't remember anything. You people say that I was in my office, but I still can't remember ever even leaving the precinct."

Olivia sighed, staring at her hands. She remembered when, in the hospital, just moments after she had finally woken up, Casey asking why no one had seen anything. At first, Olivia thought she meant why no one at the DA's office had heard the bangs and the sound of shattering glass coming from her office and come to investigate. But she asked, just to be sure. And Casey had revealed the last thing she remembered was the line-up in the squad room. Right at that moment, Olivia had known something was wrong, very wrong, but she hadn't wanted to leave Casey's side to go talk to the doctor. Later that night- well, more properly, early the next morning, Elliot had taken her place as a constant guard dog at Casey's side, so she had hunted down the doctor and wormed a comprehensible answer out of him- there was the chance that the memory loss was temporary, and the chance that it was permanent. Which one it was depended on a variety of factors- the exact location she hit her head and how much force was behind it, the severity of the hypoxia, how long she'd been lying on that floor bleeding... the doctor hadn't been able to make any sort of guess on whether she would remember or not.

"Case, it'll just take time," she said gently, finally looking up at the ADA. "If you can remember, then you're going to have to work at it. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy- it's going to be hard, painful- and you're going to have to work at it every day. And, if you can't remember... well, I promise I'll be with you every step of the way, whether you can remember or not."

Casey wasn't sure what to say or do- she just didn't have friends like Olivia. She never had before, either. In high school- well, kids were just about deep enough to like someone for their jeans. This wasn't the kind of thing any of them would get. In college, they were too focused on finally being out on their own, getting to go to parties and the like. Not exactly what she was looking for. Before SVU? Sure, she had great friends, but no one like Olivia. Casey just couldn't understand why the detective would help her when seeing the ADA like this clearly caused her pain.

"Look, Olivia..." Casey had to say this, no matter how much it could end up hurting her. "I don't have any experience with this kind of... thing before, but from what victims describe on my job, I'm guessing that... that I'm going to have to deal with nightmares, paranoia, flashbacks..." She swallowed hard, not looking forward to what the future was going to bring before forcing her eyes back to Olivia. "You don't have to stay here for that. If you want to leave, you can. You don't owe me anything."

Olivia stared at her, then moved over so she was sitting in front of Casey and clasped both of her hands. "Casey, listen to me, sweetie... Even if I didn't feel guilty about this, I'd still be here. I'm not helping you out of guilt, I'm helping you out of love. The two aren't synonymous, you know. I'm in this for the long haul, honey. Even if I could leave, if I had a choice in this... I wouldn't." Casey's eyes widened in shock as she stared at Olivia for one long moment, then nodded. Olivia glanced at the clock then put her hand on Casey's arm and said, "Come on. It's getting late; we should go to bed soon. I'll got get your pain medication."

"Liv, stop. I appreciate what you're trying to do, really, but I don't need any pain meds."

"Casey," Olivia admonished gently, "Let me take care of you, please. Besides, your doctor said to take two each day, preferably one with breakfast and one before you go to sleep. Trust me, it'll make you feel better." She waited for Casey to nod to get up and go grab her meds and a glass of water, but before she returned to the bedroom she called her partner.

It went straight to voicemail. "Elliot, it's Liv. Listen, I haven't talked to Cragen yet, but I'm taking the next few weeks off to take care of Casey. I think she needs me here and I need her, too. If Cragen won't give me the time off, I have some unused sick leave and I can say I have the flu. Just don't panic and think something's wrong if I don't show up for a month or something. Bye." Then she left her phone in Casey's kitchen and went to give the suffering woman her sweet relief, even though she would never admit to pain and would grit her teeth and remain silent whenever she wanted to scream.

When she handed the pills to the ADA, Casey sighed unhappily before popping into her mouth and swallowing them with a sip of water. Olivia left the glass on the nightstand, crawled into bed next to her, and watched as the medicine slowly took affect and sent Casey into a state of half-awareness. "Goodnight, Casey," she murmured.

"Night..." When Olivia was sure the ADA was asleep, she started to close her eyes as well, then frowned and opened them again. She couldn't close her eyes; then she wouldn't be able to see Casey; know she was safe.

So Olivia reached over and found Casey's hand, squeezing it tightly, and with it's warm presence assuring her of Casey's safety, she finally allowed herself to go to sleep.

Next up is kind of a post-ep for 'Night' and 'Serendipity'. I didn't want to do one for just 'Serendipity', sense there was only that one scene when Casey was crying in her office I could work with and it wouldn't be realistic to write them as friends- after all, they've known each other for five minutes and Casey's just replaced Alex and is acting as Queen Bitch. Not that I didn't love it, but I couldn't really write them as friends.


	5. Chapter 5

I love you guys for reviewing. You all get cookies.

Serendipity/Night. Spoilers for 'Night', 'Serendipity', and probably 'Loss' and/or 'Ghost'. Don't remember, sorry

**Not your fault**

Casey sighed, rolling onto her side, careful not to anger her broken ribs. They still protested, causing her to wince and bite her lip so as not to cry out.

She should be feeling something. But she wasn't. Shock, she decided, it was definitely shock. Casey wasn't sure if she wanted to feel something, or if this strange numbness was something she wanted to remain sheltered in.

There was something she could be thinking about right now, something she was avoiding. She still couldn't remember. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't remember being in her office with Olivia. She closed her eyes, trying to see what happened after Nina had identified Duvall in the line-up, but she couldn't.

With a shudder, Casey shifted away from that line of thought. That fact that she couldn't remember scared the hell out of her, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to know what had really happened. No, that was a lie- she did want to know the truth, more than anything. But she was frightened. If this was how much healing hurt, she couldn't help but wonder how much being beaten into this state had. Some part of her didn't want to know, didn't want to see whoever had done this beating the hell out of her, wanted to sleep under the hazy cloud that surrounded the memory and never ever know the truth.

But that was hard to think about to. She had to think about something else.

Maybe she could focus on what she was going to do once she got released from the hospital. Olivia, who was somewhere around here, talking to her doctor, had told her that Branch was offering her time off. Casey wasn't sure if she wanted it or not. But after that... should she really stay on as an SVU prosecutor? This job had almost killed her. Was it really worth it? Because the justice she obtained for women really meant nothing to them, especially those victims SVU found too late, who were now dead. What was the point of punishing the criminals when it could never be enough, when you could never fix anything and all Casey ever saw was broken hearts and cold psychopaths?

_Casey looked up and apologized softly. "Sorry."_

_Damn. Though she had already wiped all the tears away, her voice revealed she had been crying. The detective blinked, clearly shocked and regretting her rough start to the conversation. Shaking her head, Casey got up and walked over to her desk, keeping her back to Olivia and trying to regain control of herself. She heard Olivia approach from behind and say quietly, "You know, no one thinks that they can do this at first."_

_Well, that's good. A sign, at least, that's she's willing to let someone else do this job besides the infamous Ice Queen Alex Cabot. That her heart isn't already sealed off to any new additions to this meager band of broken people who try and save those who are even more broken then themselves. "I wanted straight homicides," she said, looking back up at Olivia. "All the glory, no living victims."_

_"Lesson number one- no one is prepared to handle the children." She offered a small smile, hesitant, testing the waters. Olivia reached out a hand, to touch Casey's shoulder comfortingly, then changed her mind and tucked her hand away into her pocket._

_"Children?" she scoffed. Her voice broke again. "I can't handle any of this. And how could someone do this to a little girl? How could someone..." she trailed off, unable to voice the horrible things in that file._

_Olivia just shook her head. "Don't ask why. You won't get an answer."_

_"How do you guys deal with all... this? It must be easier, for the male detectives..."_

_Olivia smiled slightly, more of a sarcastic smirk than anything else. "Well, let's see. Elliot doesn't talk about his work at home, Fin doesn't talk about his personal life at work, and Munch has just given up."_

_"What about you? I mean, what do you say to your boyfriend when you go home at night?"_

_The detective shrugged. "I don't actually have one. They ask what I do, and the ones that don't automatically shy away lean in, asking for details, get that strange, creepy excitement... either way, it's always a last date."_

_Casey looked away, swallowing nervously. What on earth had she gotten herself into? _

_She looked back at Olivia again, asking so quietly it was barely audible, "Then why do you do it?"_

_"Because someone has to."_

At the time, she hadn't understood it. Now she did. And Branch's twisted words, that he had told when she came to him, begging for a transfer.

_"This case was a test, to see if you were the right person for the job or not, and you passed with flying colors."_

_"But I don't want it!" Casey didn't want to look weak in front of her boss, but she wasn't sure how long she could last in SVU before the sickness and perversion got to her and changed her forever. She didn't want this._

_"You will," he said, oh-so confident and self-assured. Casey stared at him, rapidly feeling her hopes come crashing down around her. She couldn't do this. She just couldn't._

Branch was right, too. She wanted it now. She did this job because someone had to. Her attack, though she hadn't even begun to deal with it yet, only cemented this fact in her. 'All that good men have to do for evil to triumph is nothing,' right? Casey couldn't leave, not now. She wanted this job. It was kept her heart beating, what got her up every morning and kept her going when she thought she had just about give up. The victims needed her, Manhattan needed her to keep rapists in jail and off the street. She didn't have a choice in this anymore.

Olivia re-entered her hospital room then, and Casey slowly rolled over onto her back, gritting her teeth and struggling to keep the whimper of pain contained. She wasn't sure if Olivia had noticed or not.

"Hey," the detective said, claiming the seat beside her bed. "How you feeling?"

"Okay." What else was there to say, really? That her head and ribs were killing her, that she couldn't sit up without crying out, that every time she tried to concentrate her head felt like someone was pounding it with a jackhammer? "What'd the doctor say?"

"That I can take you home tonight, so long as your condition doesn't deteriorate. And that your, um, memory loss doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong, considering what happened... he said it could be temporary," she ended, trying to sound hopeful, but Casey heard the hidden sadness behind her fake optimism. Good chance the memory loss was permanent, then. Casey wasn't sure whether that was good or bad. "Have you given any more thought to taking time off?"

Casey knew she was just trying to change the subject, but she was grateful. "Yeah," she said with a sigh, struggling to sit further upright. She caught the disapproval and sympathy on Olivia's face but let it slide. "I'm still not sure. I mean, I know I definitely deserve a few days off, but... I can't. I have to go back to work. Get back on the horse, right?"

"Casey, getting back on the horse doesn't mean riding it off a cliff," Olivia said as she reached out and grasped the ADA's cold hand in her warm one.

"Huh?"

"Look, Case..." Olivia leaned forward, catching her eye and still not letting go of her hand. "I know you want to prove to all of us how strong you are, and you're afraid that if you take time off, it's a sign of weakness. Here's the thing, sweetie- we _know_ how tough you are. You don't have to prove it to us. And if you start working, you'll get a taste of how good it feels, not to think about what happened for hours at a time, and you won't be able to give it up- and that means you won't be able to deal with this. If you throw yourself back into this too hard and too fast, it's going to wind up destroying you. Don't do that to yourself, please."

"So what exactly am I supposed to do? Just not come back until I've dealt with this? That could take months, Olivia!"

"I know, honey, and that's not what I'm saying. Just take it easy for a while. Because going back to work is fine, although I think you should take a couple days- or weeks- off to let your body heal. But if you start trying to deny what happened, then it won't be just work as usual. It'll be hell... for both of us. You'd be the first one there in the morning and the last one there at night, all your cases would be absolutely perfect and you'd still be finding more work to do. I could try and get you out of that, but I'm not sure if I would succeed. Your just too damn stubborn for your own good." She shook her head and smiled slightly, running a hand through her hair.

"Probably saved my life tonight." She raised her hand, indicated the cuts and bruises on her knuckles- defensive wounds.

"Yeah. The squad's gonna be impressed when they see- our rebellious ADA put up one hell of a fight. She's growing up," Olivia teased, squeezing her hand again. "Next thing we know, you'll be chasing after perps with us."

"Yeah... guess I didn't put a good enough fight, though..." Casey sighed, starting to pull her hand away from Olivia, but the detective held on and sat on the bed next to her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey, don't be like that. Come on, Casey. You did everything you could." When Casey still didn't respond, Olivia leaned forward and said softly, "I'm proud of you, Case."

Casey's head snapped up, and she stared at Olivia in shock. "Wha... what did you say?"

Olivia took a deep breath, then repeated, "I'm proud of you, Casey Novak. You were strong enough to fight back and survive, regardless of how scared you were and how much pain you were in. It wasn't just luck that you lived to tell the tale. You fighting back was part of the reason- a _very big _ part. You know what I said to you when I was waiting for the ambulance? I said, 'Casey, hang on. Just hang on. You fought him and I'm so proud of you, but you've gotta stay with me. You can't have fought for nothing.' Casey, if you had given up on me... I honestly don't know how many pieces my heart would have broken into, but I do know it would have ripped the squad apart. Again. Case, it wasn't your fault. You fought your hardest to get it away and you _survived_, against all odds. You fought when it was your life on the line, but you can't stop fighting now. I'll get you through this, I promise, but I can't do it without you." Olivia was stopped mid-speech by Casey throwing an arm around her and pulling her close, not without a hiss of pain through clenched teeth.

Olivia hesitated, supporting Casey with one arm, when the ADA breathed in her ear, "Thank you." Casey gave her another squeeze before relaxing her grip, and Olivia eased her back down so she didn't fall and anger her already injured chest.

"For what?" she asked when Casey was lying down again.

"For saving me. You can say I saved myself, but we both know I wouldn't have made it out alive if you hadn't found me. Both of us have a part in what happened that neither of us are claiming."

"Casey, I-"

"I know you blame yourself, Olivia. I'm not stupid. I suppose this is my way of telling you to stop. You didn't know what was going to happen. You didn't have any idea he was going to attack me. I know you wouldn't have left me alone if you knew what you would come back to find."

Olivia hesitated, staring at her hands when she mumbled, "You really don't blame me?"

"No, I don't, Olivia. Do you blame me for what happened?"

The detective scoffed. "That's just a stupid question- of course not."

Casey laughed softly, rolling her eyes. "Don't you get it, Liv? That's how I feel whenever you say it's your fault. It's not your fault anymore than it's mine. Trust me, Olivia- I don't hold you at fault for anything that happened."

Olivia smiled. "Thanks... shouldn't this be going the other way around? Shouldn't I be the one comforting you instead of the opposite?"

The ADA shrugged, chuckling under her breath. "Well, what can I say? I'm a redhead. We don't like doing things in a conventional way."

"Don't I know it... made my life hell for that past year and a half."

Olivia and Casey both laughed again as Casey rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah, but you love me for it."

"Damn straight."

I'm rapidly running out of episodes. The only ones I can think of are 'Signature', 'Gone', and 'Impulsive'. And since 'Signature' and 'Gone' are so similar (just different in the characters that get all the love) I'm thinking I'm going to make them into one fic. Impulsive could kind of go in there too, but I don't want to put in too much. I suppose I could do 'Cold', but I hate that episode too much to write about it. Casey's coming back from her unjust disbarment any day now, I just know it!

… sorry. Anyway, up next is a Gone/Signature.


	6. Chapter 6

Signature/Gone. For this fic to make sense, these two episodes have to take place around the same time, even though I think they were separated by a season or two. Whatever. Also, I barely remember the kid's names from those episodes, so I know I got the facts about them wrong. Well, I don't care. Spoilers for 'Signature', 'Gone', 'Loss', and probably 'Ghost' too.

**You couldn't save them**

Casey cracked open one eye to look at Olivia, who was currently reclining on the couch beside her's. "Tell me again why you're here," she said before descending into yet another coughing fit.

Olivia rolled her eyes and waited for her to quiet down before saying, "Because if you have the flu, you can't work, and we always hate your temps. Besides, someone's got to take care of you, and you sure as hell aren't going to do it."

"You know what I think?" Casey would have liked to sit up to make her point, but she was afraid that might be too much for stomach. She'd already thrown up twice today and was looking forward to repeating the experience anytime soon. "I think you're only here because taking care of a sick friend means you don't have to think about Lauren Cooper."

Olivia's expression darkened for a moment, then she glared at the wall behind Casey rather then Casey herself and snapped back, "You're just trying to interrogate me about Lauren because you don't want to think about Jason King."

Casey blinked in shock, then rolled onto her side so she didn't have to look at Olivia. "Very mature, Olivia," she muttered under her breath.

Neither one said anything for a long moment, then Olivia said, "Casey. Casey, look at me." The ADA hesitated, then shifted onto her other side and glared at Olivia. "I'm sorry. That was out of line."

Casey didn't reply, then muttered, "I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have brought her up."

Olivia hesitated, then leaned forward and sighed. "Okay, let's drop this whole charade, all right? We both think we're responsible from someone's death, I think you're not responsible for Jason's and you think I'm not responsible for Lauren's-"

"Well, fine- convince me I'm not responsible for Jason's!"

"I can't! No one can! Every time somebody tries, you cut them off, and-"

"No I don't!"

"See! You just did it again!"

Casey glared at her then cleared her already sore throat and snapped, "All right, Liv. If you're so smart, you tell me those pathetic clichés about how it's not my fault and that I wasn't the one to shoot him. You tell me all those stupid lines and somehow make me feel better. Otherwise, just shut up."

"You know, for someone who's asking for help, you sure sound like a bitch."

"Maybe that's cause I don't deserve help."

Olivia sighed, shaking her head. "Casey... come on. Look, I know what you're going through and-"

"Know what I'm going through? Oh, please, Olivia, you have no idea-"

"Casey, just shut up and listen." Olivia leaned forward and made sure Casey was actually looking at her before she continued. "10 years ago, before I joined SVU, I worked in for ERT- the emergency response team. I was 28, just two years younger than you are now. One day, we responded to a robbery in progress at a bodega down in lower Manhattan. I was a rookie, thought nothing could happen to me, that I was invincible, that being a cop was all glory and no sweat. So I ran into the bodega without stopping to assess the situation. The gunman saw me and knew I was a cop, but I was already inside. There was this woman in there with me- single mother. Her husband had been killed in the first Iraqi war. When she saw me, she thought she was safe and started to run. He fired at her. I dived in front of her, shooting at him and trying to protect her. The bullet went through my stomach into her's, where it nicked her aorta. She never had a chance. I shot the gunman, he died, and I came out of it with nothing but a few days in the hospital. Two dead bodies. The newspapers were all calling me a hero... but all I could think about was the mother and the gunman. How she had screamed when she saw me, how he had looked before he died..." Olivia shuddered, drawing herself out of the memory and focusing back on Casey once more.

"So, you see, I have killed before. You think you're responsible for Jason King's death the same way I thought I was for Emily's- the mother. It took me a while to stop blaming myself. I thought that if I hadn't ran in there, waving my gun around and shouting, 'drop your weapon!' Because criminals never listen to that anyway. Cops say it so much you'd think it was in the manual... Anyway, I thought I was responsible because if some more experienced cop in there, she probably wouldn't have been killed. But that's just it- probably. I don't know for certain, because I didn't pull the trigger. That bastard did. I know I tried to save her. That I at least get justice for her, even though it can never be enough."

"But I promised Jason everything would be okay... that I would protect him."

"And that's what I promised Emily. I told her not to move, that everything would be fine. Casey, you can't blame yourself for Jason and his friend's choices. You didn't make Jason come forward and testify."

"But I convinced him to!"

"Did you also tell his cousin to kidnap him? To kill him because Jason could put him away for murder? Casey, I know what if you had had any idea what was going to happen, you would have saved him. And you've saved too many children's lives to let it all go because of this one."

Casey sighed, shaking her head. "It doesn't matter if I save a hundred thousand children, Jason will still be just as dead."

"Because Richard shot him. You didn't pull the trigger. You worked night and day to find him in time. And now Richard and his friends will never get out of prison- which wouldn't have happened if you hadn't caught that fingerprint match."

"And Jason's life was worth it?"

"No... no, not at all. But at least he died for a good cause. And it wasn't your fault. Not even a little bit."

Casey smiled slightly before propping herself up on her elbows and trying to speak, but her voice was still so hoarse it was nothing but a throaty whisper. "Thanks... Liv, do you want to talk about what happened with Lauren Cooper?"

Olivia's expression darkened at the mere mention of her late friend. With a sigh, she pulled her knees up to her chest and shrugged. "Well, not really. But you didn't want to talk about Jason, either..."

"Tell me what happened, Liv," she said softly.

"I don't know. Honestly, I don't. Chester and I realized what was going on and ran down to Lauren's apartment as fast as she could... the gun was on the table in front of her. I remember trying to talk her out of shooting us... I didn't realize she was actually going to shoot herself. When I had... it was too late."

"Olivia..." Casey slowly sat upright, leaning against the back of the couch, and when her stomach didn't protest, she looked back at Olivia and said, "This is the same thing with Jason... you would have tried to save her, if you had known. You didn't pull the trigger. You couldn't save her."

"Right. But if I had grabbed the gun when I first saw it, she wouldn't be dead."

"She'd be facing life in prison, maybe even the death penalty. Lauren was probably already depressed; the stress of all this was just too much for her. It was better this way. Do you really think Lauren would want to live the rest of her life in prison?"

"I'd think she'd rather be alive than dead."

"Lauren knew you would try and save her, Liv. I think that's why she didn't have the gun to her head, when you walked in the door. So you wouldn't suspect and try to talk her out of it- she was afraid you might succeed, and she didn't want to keep on living like that."

"How do you know?"

Casey hesitated, biting her lip in uncertainty, then said quietly, "Olivia, I've never told anyone this before, but... when I was sixteen, I... my boyfriend told me to meet him up on my apartment building's roof. Being sixteen, I was stupid, and thought he meant to party. He wanted me- sex. I didn't want him, so he dumped me for 'someone who would sleep around'. It was the first time a guy had broken up with me, so I sat on the roof crying for twenty minutes when I heard a noise. I went to investigate- it was my best friend, Sarah Garcia. She was standing on the edge... she was going to jump, Liv. I talked her down, but I... I had never been so scared in my entire life. She wouldn't let me tell her parents, swore to me it was a one-time thing... the next week, I found her passed out in my car. I was taking some meds- I had just had bacterial meningitis, the meds were a preventative measure- and she found them. Sarah took six at once- you were supposed to take one per day. I rushed her to the hospital- the doctors barely saved her.

"They thought she had gotten high at a party and called the police. They were about to arrest me for a drug charge when I told them the truth... well, sort of. I said she found my pills in my car and thought they were Tylenol. Since the pills were prescribed to me and I had an alibi, the police had to let me go. It took Sarah three days to wake up. When she did, I told her that I had lied to both her parents and mine- I told Sarah's parents she was at my house and my parents I was at her's, and I cut school and told them Sarah and I were sick. When she woke up, I told her she had better tell me the truth or I would tell her parents, the doctors, and the police. Sarah told me that... she'd been molested by her step-father ever since she was thirteen. That her mother had cancer, so she would always have to stay and take care of her. That she would never get away. Sarah told me the reason she tried to kill herself was because if that was going to be the rest of her life... well, what was the damn point? She wasn't going to go one living like that with no chance of escape. Death was a better option for her."

Casey took a drink from her water and continued, never once looking away from Olivia. "Olivia, I may have saved Sarah, but I got lucky. If I hadn't found her on the roof or in my car, she would have died. When she was in a coma, I thought she would die. I blamed myself, even though she wasn't dead yet. I was sixteen, scared and stupid, so I didn't tell the police anything Sarah had told me. I told her parents she was dead, then started working an extra shift at my job to help pay for an apartment for Sarah. She took the GED under a different name... now she goes by Allison White and is a successful cardiologist in Los Angeles. While she was still in New York, just a couple of weeks after I lied to her parents, I told her that I had blamed myself. That I still did. She told me, 'Casey Novak, stop blaming yourself right now. Even if I had died, it wouldn't have been your fault. I was the idiot ready to jump, when I had someone right here all along to catch me. It never could ever be your fault.'"

"But, Casey, you saved Sarah. I couldn't save Lauren."

"Don't you see, that's the point, Liv! Sarah told me it wasn't my fault- she... she left me a note, when she was in my car. It said some stuff I'll never repeat and, 'Casey, I'm sorry, I know this is going to hurt you, but I just can't keep doing this. Don't blame yourself.' Lauren doesn't... didn't blame you, Olivia. You couldn't have stopped her. It was fate that I found Sarah in my car and on that rooftop. Just like it was fate that you couldn't save Lauren."

Neither one said anything for a long time. Then Olivia murmured, "Thank you, Casey. It... means alot."

"And thanks for what you said about Jason. Thank you for... everything." Casey's long speech had reduced her ability to talk to an almost inaudible whisper, and her throat was burning. She trudged to her kitchen to get some cold water, the blanket wrapped around her shivering form, and Olivia followed.

"Casey, thank you for telling me about Sarah. I know we had... kind of rough start, when you started in SVU. I don't think I ever officially apologized for how I treated you when you first transferred to SVU."

She shrugged, closing her eyes as the water soothed her sore throat then turning back to smile at Olivia. "Hey, it's nothing." Her voice was slightly louder and clearer, and Casey was pretty sure that her headache wasn't as bad as before. "I understand. It was complicated- you had to pretend Alex was dead when she wasn't, and here was Queen Bitch trying to take her place."

Olivia winced at how eerily accurate Casey was, then nodded. "I was never trying to replace Alex, Liv," she said softly. "I'm fine just being Casey." There was a long silence after that- nothing really to be said.

Finally, as a way of closing the subject and ending the awkward moment, Olivia said, "You're sounding better. I think you're finally getting over the flu. Think you'll be at work tomorrow?"

"You bet your ass." Olivia laughed, rolling her eyes before guiding Casey back to the couch.

"Come on. I have an idea to get back at Munch for poisoning my coffee yesterday, and you are just the redhead I need to pull it off..."

I improvised on Olivia and Casey's past- I have no idea if Liv was with the ERT... actually, I don't think the ERT even exists. Well, whatever. 'Impulsive' is next, but then I don't really know what I'll write about. All I know is I won't do 'Cold', because I finally saw about half of 'Intoxicated', but I'm not sure what can I write about it without seeing the entire episode. If you've got any suggestions, I'm open to them.


	7. Chapter 7

'Impulsive' fic. Spoilers for 'Impulsive'

**Guilt is a poison **

Casey closed her eyes as she read the file... again. She must have read it ten times in the past hour. It never got any easier. _Rape victim Jacob Delharde; right arm was shattered; facial wound required ten stitches; lacerated liver and..._ Casey couldn't read anymore. Her vision was too blurred by her tears for her to make sense of the words anymore, but she had memorized them already. Every time she read the file it hurt more, not less. This was her fault. She had sent Jacob to that hellhole. She had not bothered to check up on him or any of her other convictions. She had not bothered to look up any records on the rehab center, assuming any complaints were unfounded. How very wrong she was.

There was a light rap on her office door, and she quickly wiped her eyes and shut the file, hiding it under her briefcase before calling. "Come in."

Olivia stepped inside, giving her a small smile. "Hey there. She walked forward and produced two cups of coffee, one of which she gave to Casey. "Thought you could use this."

Casey accepted it, took a sip, then closed her eyes and leaned back. "God bless you, Liv," she murmured, clutching the hot cup with her cold hands. She heard Olivia chuckle slightly and opened her eyes to find her shaking her head and smiling. "What?"

"When you bless the coffee-bearer, it's a sign that you you're working too hard."

"Well, I've got a lot to work on."

Olivia frowned, then sat down on the edge of her desk and shook her head. "The Delharde case is over, and we haven't finished up any cases to hand over to you yet. What could you possibly be working on?"

"Um... just, you know. Finishing up some stuff."

"Right." Olivia continued to watch her, then she shook her head and moved to the chair across from Casey and said as a way to break the ice, "Elliot said this was a rough case for you."

"Yeah, well you didn't help much, saying you would arrest me... sorry. I know you didn't exactly have a choice in the matter."

She chuckled and mimicked Casey from earlier that week. "Well, you're a big girl. You certainly do know how to swim. I know you would have wormed your way out of the bullshit assault charge the same way would got that suite against you Elliot dropped last year- pull a murder confession out of the guy."

Casey smiled without humor before looking at Olivia again and saying, "It's fine. Really..." She sighed, then said, "Look, not that I don't appreciate the company, but why are you here? Don't you guys have a case?"

"Fin and Munch are on stakeout, which leaves Elliot and I to sit twiddling our thumbs down at the precinct until our guy's caught. And Elliot's moping about Kathy again, so I thought I'd hide out down here."

She rolled her eyes and forced herself to smile before saying, "Well, while it's very thoughtful of you to come down here and ruin my day because Elliot's sensitive side is showing... again... I really do have alot of work to get done, so-"

"Just to clarify, when you say 'work', you mean staring at Jacob Delharde's (I forgot the kid's name, shoot me) file until it makes you cry, blaming yourself for another twenty minutes, then reading the injury report again?"

She said this so cockily it stunned Casey. When she had recovered her speech powers, she snapped, "Well, now that that's settled, I would like to the very politely request that you get the fuck out of my office, Detective."

"Funny. Our little lawyer likes to play immature five year old."

"Did I stutter? I said to get the fuck out of my office, before I throw you out!"

She laughed softly. "Yeah, good luck." Olivia shook her head before walking over to Casey's desk and sitting on the edge again. "Look, this kind of went off in the wrong direction. But would you have reacted like that if I wasn't right about your guilt for James Delharde?"

Casey just glared at her, unwilling to admit she was right. "That's what I thought. Casey, I know that you think otherwise, but you had no idea what was going to happen to James. No one did."

"That kid's life will never be the same again, because _I_ thought that the complaints against the facility were unfounded. I thought it was just the usual- you know, how every prison has inmates who complain that the guards are abusive, how every mental hospital has at least one claim of sexual abuse against them... I didn't even bother to read the complaints. I just thought..."

"I would have done the same thing. We all make mistakes, Casey, you couldn't have known-"

"If I had bothered to follow up on the rape allegations, then I would have been able to get James out of there before-"

"Shoulda woulda coulda, Casey? You know better than that. 'What ifs' won't change the past. Nothing can change that."

Casey groaned, burying her head in her hands and saying, her voice muffled, "I know. Doesn't stop me from wishing I could. That kid went from being a sex addict to a rape victim in one night. While he's probably never going to rape anybody else and it could take years for him to have sex again, the price is too great."

"Ask James, Casey. He'll tell you he doesn't blame you. Elliot told you it wasn't your fault, I'm telling you it's not. What'll it take for you to believe it?" When Casey didn't respond, she moved to stand behind Casey and rubbed small circles on her back.

Eventually, the ADA said, "You know what I did yesterday? I went down to Central Park and ran ten miles. Even though it was twenty degrees outside and snowing. I didn't run in sweatpants either- short sleeves and shorts. Got home, didn't take a hot shower, just sat there in the cold and the dark until I got sick of it and took a sleeping pill. I only did it because I want to suffer like James did. I hated myself for taking the sleeping pill, because it made my life easier. I don't want my life to be easier, I want it to be harder. I want to feel what James felt and go through what he did, I want-"

"Casey, you know this is ridiculous. You didn't hurt James. You got justice for him. What you did yesterday is not because you want to go through what James did, it's because you feel guilty and hate yourself for not stopping it. And I'm telling you there's no reason for you to feel guilty or hate yourself. Guilt is a poison, Casey, it'll eat you alive if you let it. No one could have stopped it. If you hadn't put James there, he would have gone to prison, and god knows what would have happened there. This was the better option, Casey."

"So, what? He gets raped in rehab because of me, or he gets raped in prison? No option that allows to James to live on without ever becoming a victim? What kind of screwed up world is this?"

She still hadn't looked up at Olivia yet, but the detective could tell she was on the verge of tears. With a sigh, she said, "One that you and people like you are trying to make better. It's our job to catch the rapists and murderers, yours to keep people safe from them. Most of the time, we succeed. Manhattan's a better place because of _you_, Casey. You can't throw that all away because of James Delharde."

"What's stopping me?"

"Well, for one, I am, Casey. I won't let you blame yourself for something that's not your fault."

Casey groaned, then got up and started pacing around her office. After a moment, she said softly, "I know. I know it's not my fault, but I still blame myself... if that makes any sense."

"No. No, it doesn't, Casey. How can you know it's not your fault but still blame yourself?"

"Because... because..." Finally she looked up at Olivia and said, "Don't tell anybody what I'm about to tell you, but, when I was fourteen... my mother was assaulted. I, um... my father skipped out when I was born, so I was the one to take care of her. I didn't resent it, it was just... hard. A few days after I brought her home from the hospital, some people from her work- she was a prosecutor, just like me- came to visit. I went in one of the cop's bags and found a tape. Later that night, I watched it- it was a surveillance tape of her attack. When I watched it, I... froze. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't call out a warning or jump up to protect her. I couldn't move. Afterwards, I started to blame myself for her attack, even though I wasn't even there. I thought I should have protected her..."

"The guilt was eating me alive for three months until I was... until I was assaulted myself. I fought back. I fought him and wouldn't give up. Granted, it made things a hell of alot worse for me in the long run, but it made me stop blaming myself. I knew that if I had been there that night, I would have fought that bastard. I wouldn't have let him touch her." She looked back at Olivia, her fists clenched and a fierce light in her eyes. "But I know nothing would have made me stop blaming myself except for my attack. Which is why I know James's attack wasn't my fault- logically, at least. It'll just take awhile for me to stop feeling guilty."

Olivia had stared at her in complete shock the entire time she told the story of her past. She couldn't have imagined Casey coming from a history like that. "Casey... who attacked you?"

The ADA flinched, then looked away and shook her head. "That's not important, Olivia. What's important is I know my mother's or my own assault was my fault- and neither was Jason's. But that doesn't mean what you did- coming here to help me- doesn't mean something, Olivia. When I was a kid, right after I was assaulted my mother... well, she had just an appendectomy, so she was unconscious and had no idea. At that moment, when I had literally no one who gave a damn... if I hadn't been in shock, I don't know what I would have done. The fact that I have you and the rest of SVU now is... it means alot to me, Liv. Thanks."

She smiled slightly, patting Casey on the back. "Hey, that's what friends are for. Now, I probably have to get back before Elliot spirals into a black depression. You get some work done, okay?"

"Sure. You save our favorite Detective Blue Eyes from going insane, or I'll end up making him an insanity plea when he robs a store to take out his excess rage. Go on, get out of here!" She shoved the detective playfully towards the door, and Olivia rolled her eyes before heading out of Casey's office.

Kind of lame ending, and it went off in a completely different direction than I expected it to, but whatever. 'Missing Scene's is now on an indefinite hiatus because I can't think of anymore episodes to write about. If you have an idea, post it in a review and I'll take it out for a spin.


End file.
